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I’m sufficiently drunk on enough pours of Bulleit Kentucky Straight Bourbon to vomit out the shit I’ve been struggling with and finally get it out of my system. Apologies in advance for this excrement post, which I’m almost certainly going to delete upon sobering up. /1
Issue 1 - Unresolved anger towards my parents. My dad texted me on Monday telling me he’s feeling 80% recovered from his surgery which is great and also reminding me to read Proverbs every day like he asked for my well being. He asked me to reply to his text. Fuck no, thanks. /2
Issue 1 (cont) - My mom texted me reminding me that my dad’s birthday is coming up, it’s a decade milestone celebration which is a huge deal in Korean culture. She asked me to get back to her to “discuss”. Fuck that. Even if we were really done with the pandemic, fuck that. /3
Issue 1 (cont) - My only younger brother whom I love texted me asking to catch up. We haven’t spoken since Thanksgiving. I love him but I’ve been ignoring his texts because I don’t know what to say. Also I think he’ll want to talk about my parents. Sorry bro I can’t. /4
Issue 2 - Injustice against minorities in our country. Asian, Black, Hispanic, LGBTQ+, the list goes on. The hatred, racism, violence, it’s too much. How do people live with this. I’m so sorry. This is no longer the country that I thought I knew and loved. I was so naive. /5
Issue 3 - Self identity. I discovered Lapis Lazuli from Steven Universe two months ago, and ever since I’ve been obsessed with this idea of the girl trapped inside me. I keep thinking of reasons why this makes so much sense. Pieces of my life finally fitting into place. /6
Issue 3 (cont) - Are these feelings just a long repressed aspect of my self that are finally coming out? Is it just a shift in hormones because I’m getting older? Everything I learned growing up tells me it’s wrong, something is just wrong with me. /7
Issue 3 (cont) - It’s weird for me to identify with Lapis, Pearl, Marceline, Nausicaa, Max, Kate and Chloe. It’s wrong or perverted to like them. I need to stay in my lane. I need to just be a man like I am at home and at work, whatever that means. /8
Issue 3 (cont) - But my closest friends during college were a couple of girls. I felt like I could share anything with them. After we all separately got married I lost them because it’s “wrong” to be close to anyone of the opposite sex outside of marriage. I miss you Kathryn. /9
Issue 3 (cont) - Finally the big one. Whenever I see something like this it makes me so happy. But I can’t talk about it, because it’s not my place. I’ve lived my whole life as a cis male, privileged, so it’s wrong to intrude on the kind of love that belongs to others. /end
I need to make it clear that I know it’s not “wrong” to have these feelings or for anyone born of one gender to feel like another. I think this is just a reflection of my self-hatred, formed from what I leaned growing up as a Korean American Christian. I need to be free of it. //
I’m sober now but think I’m going to keep this thread unless someone tells me any part is problematic. I just reread it and if anything am offended by the ultraconservative male-female friendship restrictions that had somehow bored into my head. Why the F did that stick with me?
