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Here it goes: In 2015 I recorded a few consensual sex videos with my boyfriend at the time. I had just turned 20 years old, so I was pretty dumb still. I made the mistake of letting him use his phone to film us. For two months, I didn’t think anything of my actions. Until...
December 31st, 2015. I get a phone call from my older sister immediately after quitting my job (that day was clearly not my day) stating that I need to get my ass home because there’s videos of me on the internet. My heart fell to the base of my stomach and I couldn’t breathe.
She forwarded me a link to a porn website, where I saw the videos I recorded with my boyfriend having 40,000 views. And that was just one minute worth of the videos we took. I threw up my breakfast. I wondered how the fuck this happened. I wondered about my trash luck in life.
I tried to contact my bf only to find out he’d been arrested for driving w a suspended license. When I got home, my family chewed me out as expected. I was cursed out, hit, shamed, interrogated. I asked about how they found out about the videos.. this is where it gets interesting
They said they received a text with the link from an unknown number with a California area code. When they called the phone number, one of my older cousins answered the phone. Nobody in my family found it odd. Turns out he was the one that found it and shared it with many people.
(T/W: Sexual abuse) This is the same cousin that molested me throughout my early childhood. At this point, my family was unaware of what he did to me, and I didn’t think confessing that at the time of my video leaking would help my case, so I accepted the verdict for what it was.
Days went by and the videos spread. My ex got out of jail & told me he lost his phone when he got locked up. He felt extremely guilty about what happened, so he helped me contact sites to get the videos taken down.. but once somethings on the internet it’s there forever.
Eventually, the video reached the pastor of my mom’s church. This man, who had christened me when I was an infant, told me that I am lower than scum itself, and that I would surely see hell for my actions. My family was pretty popular there so their rep was tarnished thx to me.
He wanted to speak to me privately and I refused. That resulted in him threatening to show my video to the entire congregation on a Sunday to 100s of people. I told him he could do whatever thefuck he wants & walked out. Never went back. (My mom still goes which isn’t surprising)
For years I lived in absolute fear. Fear I would be recognized, fear I would be ousted by my peers, fear I wouldn’t be able to show my face anywhere ever again. The SHAME weighed on me daily. I was suicidal. I was depressed. Death seemed like my only road to peace.
Since those awful days, I’ve grown. I know shame. I know consequence. I’ve had all my greatest fears realized in real fucking time. I’ve OWNED my sexuality and have taken autonomy of my own body. My sins are between me and God and nobody else.
I refuse to let anyone make me feel bad about starting an OnlyFans, bc I’ve spent so many years feeling guilt from simply being a victim of circumstances. Ppl holding things over my head. Threats, low blows. I’ve had every insult thrown at me from ppl way closer to me than y’all.
You can call me a whore or a slut. You can call me anything that makes you feel better about hating the fact that I WILL own my sexuality, and men WILL fall to my feet, money in hand, just to catch a glimpse. Lol from this point on I will be free of shame. I say all that to say..
FUCK YOUR THOUGHTS, BITCH. The End. 
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