Thread by @SomaRigel, I dont wanna openly talk about my negative thoughts but um,(Thread) Lately [...]

I dont wanna openly talk about my negative thoughts but um,

(Thread)

Lately i’ve been feeling more detached from everyone lately, apart from several people. Naturally it’d be so with school, people busy in their own groups, etc. I see all of my friends having a darn good time and i’m happy for them! I see everyone succeeding and it’s awesome-

I on the other hand kinda felt more distanced and detached from everyone, missing out on events, not really being invited often (only until recently) and well I guess I kinda felt alone

https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="😅" title="Lächelndes Gesicht mit offenem Mund und Angstschweiß" aria-label="Emoji: Lächelndes Gesicht mit offenem Mund und Angstschweiß">

People tend to say that i’m really awesome, that I changed their lives, that introducing them to VTubing was a blessing, but my friends were the ones that are special and earned all of their success

My biggest fear is to make mistakes that hurt people without me being aware of it. If I find out I made a mistake and offended someone, i’ll do my best to get back and fix it. If I come off as a moocher, an ass or anything, i’ll want to improve myself as a person.

I dont want to hurt anyone and just play games.

I’ll be honest, I envy my friends

https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="😅" title="Lächelndes Gesicht mit offenem Mund und Angstschweiß" aria-label="Emoji: Lächelndes Gesicht mit offenem Mund und Angstschweiß"> everyone has these wonderful communities to talk in and memes are made, events left and right, everyone’s just having a good time and hang out. However I don’t want this envy to negatively-

Affect the people around me, I just want to vibe and be as energetic as always. I use that envy as motivation to work even harder. But the more I work hard, I feel more and more detached and, well, left out.

I want to do my best in pushing for partner, eventually be the streamer I can be proud of. But I don’t want to end up a clout chaser and my biggest fear is to be labeled as one, to be considered one.

I have fun doing what i’m doing, streaming became my passion-

But now I can’t help but look at the very people I used to talk to, and I feel sorry. I’m sorry that i stopped talking to people back then, that I feel guilty that perhaps i’m not anyone’s friend anymore

https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="😅" title="Lächelndes Gesicht mit offenem Mund und Angstschweiß" aria-label="Emoji: Lächelndes Gesicht mit offenem Mund und Angstschweiß">

I’m sorry to anything I ever said anything out of line back then, which made me look like an asshole. I’m sorry if I ever gave those a bad impression of me. I don’t ever want to hurt anyone.

I do my best to be as comfy as possible, but I want to work hard to eventually reach milestones that my friends have made too. To eventually go above and beyond.

I’ve been confused, stressed and afraid these past couple of weeks. I’m scared that nobody will really welcome me with open arms if I try to talk to people again, that maybe i’ll just come off as a clout chaser.

What is wrong with me > <

The very place, the very people who I sought to look out for, what was once the VTuber community, helped me out of troubling times. A place where I felt like everyone is family, and now I’m paranoid.

I made friends with so many people, with so many interesting designs and ideas and so many different personalities. It’s quite diverse. I wanted to meet them all, be friends with everyone and have fun like everyone else.

I know that the word of advice would be to just simply “reach out” to everyone. But now I, the one who did that so frequently back then, feel scared doing so now.

Idk why but i’ve felt so self conscious about everything lately. “What if my comment makes me look like an ass?” “Did I word it right?? Oh god what have I done??” “I hope i’m not spamming them..”

Or if i’ve done something without knowing: “oh god what do I do?” 2x “I hope they don’t hate me > <“. I feel like the world is against me when in reality I know deep down that it’s not the case. Everyone is busy and all, but my paranoia has been horrible to me.

The people i’ve met when I first started as a VTuber were dime a dozen, but now i’ve only ever kept in touch with a couple of them, a small group. I’m scared that if I reach out to anyone else, I might get a response like “oh he only came back because I got so big” > <

I know that the people I think about aren’t those types of people, but I constantly fear for the worst that I end up thinking it’s true.

I’m sorry for ever coming off as toxic, a moocher, an asshole to anyone. I tend to get toxic in League and that’s one I guess. Sometimes I’m not the best at reading the mood, maybe i’m just so pushy. I dont want to hurt anyone, to make anyone think i’m not a good person.

I guess, part of this branches from envy. That all the friends i’ve met have formed their own communities, I feel kinda left out since i’ve yet to achieve that after trying my best to do so.

It’s kind of why i’m so hyped about my big changes to my channel, to start fresh, to build/rebuild connections, to hopefully shine like the rest of everyone that used to look up to me and, well, now I look up to them.

I’ll be honest, I hate making these tweet threads. They make me look so unprofessional and I hate it. But I can’t help it, talking about my feelings.

My mind’s not in a great place right now, I keep thinking about the gutter and the worst case. If I can make it up to those that i’ve ever hurt i’ll do it. I don’t ever want to be on anyone’s bad side but I know I can’t please everyone.

I’m in constant fear of hurting others but also being hurt by people around me. I’m scared of it all. I know i’m oblivious and perhaps a crybaby but I can’t stop these emotions.

Sometimes, I even question my own morality: “Am i a good guy?” “Am I really what some people say I am?” “Maybe I really am just there for clout” “maybe I am just a bad person” “maybe I’m just someone that hurts others no matter what”

I’ve been stuck concerned about what others think about me, I dont want to ever be painted as a villain.

Maybe it’s just that past there to haunt me again. Maybe it’s just paranoia from back then. But I need to grow up and get over this since in the grand scheme of things, nobody cares how I think or act.

So many ideals, thoughts put out there and I don’t even know what is correct, I think one way and then other times another way, nobody seems wrong and I feel like I can’t even choose an opinion.

I’m really stressed, I can’t even tell what is real on how I think people are and what is not. I’m scared.

I’ve met so many friends along the way, I should be happy. But I can’t help but doubt all the time. I’m scared of being betrayed again. I’m scared of being painted as something I shouldn’t be. I’m scared that the very people I care about that I finally escaped from it all

Is one day going to be the very people that will throw me away

I’ve broken down in tears as I wrote all of this. I struggle to even breathe from just thinking of it all. Hell, I just realized that maybe just maybe, I just came off as a liability.

I’ve just been crying for this past hour...writing to twitter like as if anyone can really do anything for me...How pitiful can I get?

I’ve been stuck and afraid all this time, keeping all of this in, only letting out feelings in short bursts, but I can’t release all of it.

I’m scared.

I feel like everything for some reason just came crashing down and I can’t control it. All of my negative emotions just all came and crashed down and made me write all of this.

I don’t know who to trust, yet I end up trusting anyway. I can’t help it. It’s like two sides of me fight each other all the time. Now I feel like there’s an Angel and Demon inside me that keeps arguing what to do next, what to say to people.

I just want to be a good guy, someone strong to rely on, someone to look up to. But also be one that respects and looks up to people as well.

I want to finally gain the spark that i’ve seen in everyone that i’ve been missing all this time.

I’ve told myself so many times to stop bringing up my past again, but I feel like I can’t control it. All of it was so ingrained in my memory, I can’t get it off my head

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