Thread by @ChloesPJs, Last night I sat in my favourite spot in the early hours [...]

Last night I sat in my favourite spot in the early hours of the morning. I was about to head home but needed to sit there for a bit. This is a thread of my thoughts and feelings and what happened for the following hours.

I know it’s long but I hope it’s worth the read.

I parked up my car in the car park nearer to my spot. I wrapped up warm as it was cold and took my bottle of water and a powerbank to charge my phone.

As I wandered up the track in the dark with my torch on, I started to see the view.

As I got there I felt the emotion well up inside me. I walked around the back of some trees and bushes and headed for the bench. A metal bench placed there with a plaque in memory of someone. I don’t remember who.

I sat down and looked out at the view.

I almost instantly broke down in tears. I knew this was likely to be my reaction but I didn’t know it would be so strong. The following hour and a half I spent sat there crying. Thinking about things and going through a very bumpy rollercoaster of emotions.

Some of the thoughts while I sat there included (tw mentions of struggles inc suicide)

- gender identity
- career choice
- sexuality
- relationships
- mental health struggles
- bullying I’ve experienced
- suicide and my darkest times
- choices I’ve made and what that means

The biggest aspects were the points about gender, choices I’ve made and the suicide bit.

Let’s start with gender.

I have contemplated pretty much all major life decisions since 2012 at that spot. Gender is the one thing I didn’t get a chance to think about much here.

I really would have felt more comfortable and happy had I had the chance to think about my gender identity more while at that spot. But equally looking back I am happy that I have made the choices I have and that I am working more on being myself now.

The choices I’ve made throughout recent years have been huge. They’ve changed my life and ultimately I hope made me a better person. That doesn’t mean they are all the right choices. No one can ever be sure of what path I would be on had I made a different decision.

I do however wonder what could have happened. And some of my life could be very different. These thoughts scared me and upset me.

Tw for next couple of tweets about suicidal thoughts. (Note: I’m okay now)

Finally suicidal thoughts have been in my head before....

There was once a time when I was extremely suicidal. I’ve never told anyone about this. I had a plan. It involved going away for a weekend and not getting back home. It was a weekend I will always remember and is one of the reasons this place is so important to me.

I visited this spot while contemplating my plan. Knowing that I was likely into my last 24 hours. I sat there for a few hours. It dawned on me that night, sat there as a teenager looking out over the world, that I could make a difference in life. I could do more to help others.

It was that moment that this place saved my life. I had the realisation that millions of people could be seen from this spot and I was just one person. But I could make a huge difference to those people and to the world. I could help others and make their lives better.

There’s way more to that story but this thread is already too long and I’m already too emotional.

I survived.

That was around 5-6 years ago. And since then I have lived by that thought, that I, although one person, can make a huge difference to the world. I found my worth.

Back to last night... these thoughts swirled in my head. I think it was another realisation moment, reinforcing that moment from 5-6 years ago.

I am making a difference now. And I can do more in future. But I also need to look after myself. It is a balancing act.

I spent the best part of an hour and a half sat there. Getting very cold, crying and just looking out over the amazing view.

I then wandered back to my car to warm up. I turned the engine on and sat there, warming up, still emotional but recovering. I messaged @Llama_Steven.

I was going to go back but it was too cold and I think I needed to deal with the emotions I had dug up already before digging deeper.

I got myself sorted out and drove towards the exit to unlock the gates and leave. Still with tears rolling down my face.

Steven persuaded me to talk to him. I was going to drive home in silence, dealing with my feelings alone like I’ve always done. He persuaded me to talk on voice call while I drove home and this definitely helped so much.

We talked through some of the thoughts and feelings above.

I ended up crying again most of the way home. We dealt with a lot of the open ended thoughts I’d had and some of the feelings that I wasn’t sure about. It really helped to be able to talk to someone about how I was feeling. In the moment. Not days after the moment.

If you happened to see a girl crying her eyes out while driving on cruise control at 50mph on the M25 Motorway last night at about 3am....

Well that would have been me.

I got back to my town at 4:30am. I had McDonald’s and then headed home. I climbed into bed and was totally exhausted mentally and physically having been awake at this point for around 20 hours.

I slept like a log. It was some of the best sleep I’ve had in a while and im glad.

I have to thank @Llama_Steven for being the most amazing boyfriend in the world. He helped me and looked after me through my feelings on that drive home. I’ve never had that before. From anyone.

It helped me so much. I cannot thank him enough.

A final word to the world:

It’s okay to have bad times in life. It’s okay to not know your direction in life. But if there is one thing I have learnt, it is that random moments of thought and reflection can change your entire life. Look after yourself and let others help you.

Finally, I want to say that had it not been for the Scouting movement, I would not be here today. This spot I’ve been talking about is called “The Quick”. It is at the Scout headquarters in Gilwell Park. The view is of north London and more. This is the view from the bench.

Photos will never do that place justice. Here’s another one I took as I walked back to my car.

(Alt text is available on both pictures. I hope I have described them well enough to explain just how beautiful this place is).

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