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I feel a little odd posting this but in the hopes that my navel gazing will make someone else feel seen:
One of the reasons why I have historically felt a lot of confusion around my queer identity is because I just haven& #39;t seen the way I experience attraction modeled anywhere.
One of the reasons why I have historically felt a lot of confusion around my queer identity is because I just haven& #39;t seen the way I experience attraction modeled anywhere.
Like, yeah, I& #39;m "bisexual," but what that even means is nebulous and confusing. To a lot of people, it suggests that my relationships are the same regardless of the gender of my partner, which... has never been the case for me.
I relate differently to men than I relate to women; and I experience attraction to men differently than I experience attraction to women. It& #39;s not that either one of them is lesser, they& #39;re just *different*, and that feels like something I& #39;m not supposed to say.
I also feel like my attraction to men is broad but shallow, while my attraction to women is narrow but deep: there are more men I& #39;m interested in exploring with, but I& #39;m more interested in exploring deeply with the women I do like.
So like, what even is that? How do you express that?
I want to be clear that I am NOT ASKING FOR A LABEL, because a label isn& #39;t the point to me. A label feels like a way of making myself legible to other people; and I don& #39;t give a fuck about that.
I want to be clear that I am NOT ASKING FOR A LABEL, because a label isn& #39;t the point to me. A label feels like a way of making myself legible to other people; and I don& #39;t give a fuck about that.
What I care about is being legible to *myself*. And I am frustrated that so many nuances of bisexuality are so stigmatized that I have had a really difficult time achieving that sense of legibility.
I& #39;m frustrated that talking about the fact that it& #39;s easier to find men I& #39;m attracted to makes it sound like I& #39;m really just a straight girl who wants to fuck around, and I& #39;m frustrated that acknowledging that gender shifts my attraction feels taboo.
[Interstitial note to say that *yes* I& #39;m attracted to non-binary people but *no* I don& #39;t broadly categorize them in this same way because non-binary people defy categorization!]
Anyway I was thinking last night that the men I& #39;m most attracted to tend bring out the qualities in myself I like the least while the women I& #39;m attracted to bring out the qualities in myself that I like the most, so if that& #39;s an orientation, there you go.
Also I should probably clarify that that& #39;s not a commentary on the *men* themselves; while I have spent a great deal of time scrounging for partners in the trash pile of humanity, plenty of perfectly lovely men have chosen to get close to me.
