I don’t drink. I stopped drinking about 5 years ago because of bad stomach issues. But people don’t wanna hear that. They wanna hear that I had a problem, that I hit some extreme bottom. (1)

They wanna hear that one night 5 years ago I was having a drunken dance party alone with my cat while my husband and kids slept upstairs. I knocked over a candle while twerking to Beyonce and set my house on fire. (2)

My cat pulled my body out of the burning building with her teeth but I lost my whole family. Now I live in a studio apt with the cat who saved my life and who’s piercing stare everyday reminds me of the family I lost.

But that didn’t happen. I just have tum tum issues.