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Omg. Today is.... a day... omfg. This is going to be a thread later and I’m not sure even I’m going to believe it...
Buckle in boys and girls... this might take a while.
So... last month I had some emergency work done on my bathroom as water was leaking into the main house.
During those works we discovered a leak in the bathroom roof that was causing water to pool under the stairs.
Not great.
During those works we discovered a leak in the bathroom roof that was causing water to pool under the stairs.
Not great.
My plumber hesitantly suggested a mate who could fix it for a reasonable price.
Great.
All great so far.
Lots of rain over the last few weeks has made works even more urgent.
I call the roofer for a quote.
Great.
All great so far.
Lots of rain over the last few weeks has made works even more urgent.
I call the roofer for a quote.
Now, this is where stuff starts to get a little... strange.
Alarm bells should start ringing when the roofer says he’ll be round at 4pm and finally turns up at 6:30pm.
But turn up he did... and with a mate.
Alarm bells should start ringing when the roofer says he’ll be round at 4pm and finally turns up at 6:30pm.
But turn up he did... and with a mate.
“Sorry we’re late!” The roofer says, clambering out of the car “I had to go and pick up my daughter.”
I look around but no daughter is present. It smells heavily like she might have been in a pub...
I look around but no daughter is present. It smells heavily like she might have been in a pub...
They’ve definitely been in a pub. The roofer leans up against his mate who sort of holds him upright, half dragging him into my garden.
I’m unsure what to do at this stage as they tumble around. One is a particularly good gardener and is asking my questions about my sunflowers.
I’m unsure what to do at this stage as they tumble around. One is a particularly good gardener and is asking my questions about my sunflowers.
I show them where the roof has been leaking and without warning matey boy launches the roofer into the air and onto the roof.
At this point I notice he’s wearing flip-flops.
And now he’s wearing flip-flops and on my roof.
At this point I notice he’s wearing flip-flops.
And now he’s wearing flip-flops and on my roof.
He flip-flops around the roof like Pingu the fucking penguin. Scuttling back and forth with his phone taking pictures.
I lock eyes with matey boy who is still trying to talk to me about my sunflowers.
I’m figuring out whether I’ll need to hide one body or two.
I lock eyes with matey boy who is still trying to talk to me about my sunflowers.
I’m figuring out whether I’ll need to hide one body or two.
He’s on all-fours now, like a dog, feet flapping around on the roof.
At one point he needs to get to another part, he slips, matey boy catches him and uses his neck (his NECK) to push flip-flop man back up onto the roof.
At one point he needs to get to another part, he slips, matey boy catches him and uses his neck (his NECK) to push flip-flop man back up onto the roof.
Getting off the roof is more challenging.
Flip-flop man gets to the nearest drainpipe corner and matey boy sort of stands underneath him like a human ladder to shimmy down to the ground. This is clearly not the first time.
They recommence holding each other, swaying slightly.
Flip-flop man gets to the nearest drainpipe corner and matey boy sort of stands underneath him like a human ladder to shimmy down to the ground. This is clearly not the first time.
They recommence holding each other, swaying slightly.
Relieved he’s still alive but I’m trying to figure out how I can ask them both to leave and never see them again.
Maybe I can fix the roof myself, off YouTube or something?
Flip-flop man is already leaving though as he shouts something incoherent.
Maybe I can fix the roof myself, off YouTube or something?
Flip-flop man is already leaving though as he shouts something incoherent.
Matey boy stays with me.
“How did you get your sunflowers so big?” He asks.
At this point, I’m not even sure we’re talking about sunflowers...
“How did you get your sunflowers so big?” He asks.
At this point, I’m not even sure we’re talking about sunflowers...
And that’s when I hear voices. It’s nextdoor. Flip-flop man has gone around to my neighbours and is in their garden.
With a running leap he makes it onto their picnic table and, in his flip-flops, waves at me from their roof.
With a running leap he makes it onto their picnic table and, in his flip-flops, waves at me from their roof.
I shove matey boy to the front garden. I feel responsible now.
“Go and help him!” I urge
Matey boy goes round to the neighbours and helps him down. They leave with a promise of a quote tomorrow.
“Go and help him!” I urge
Matey boy goes round to the neighbours and helps him down. They leave with a promise of a quote tomorrow.
As soon as they have gone I rush around to my neighbours to apologise.
And... they LOVED him. Super happy. Super good pricing AND if I go in with them he’ll do us all a good deal.
And... they LOVED him. Super happy. Super good pricing AND if I go in with them he’ll do us all a good deal.
The quote comes through. It’s super cheap.
I desperately try and find another roofer but we are currently in a pandemic. 2 don’t show and 3 aren’t yet taking jobs.
My neighbours are happy. We agree to proceed and works to take place on Sunday 2nd August...
I desperately try and find another roofer but we are currently in a pandemic. 2 don’t show and 3 aren’t yet taking jobs.
My neighbours are happy. We agree to proceed and works to take place on Sunday 2nd August...
My studio become heavily invested in this story. We have zoom meetings transcend into:
Who is this man?
How come he can only work Sunday’s? Does that mean he has another job?
Why flip-flops?
Does he have a daughter?
Is he even a roofer?
Who is this man?
How come he can only work Sunday’s? Does that mean he has another job?
Why flip-flops?
Does he have a daughter?
Is he even a roofer?
So, fast-forward: TODAY IS THE DAY!
They were due to arrive at 09:00
Here, nice and early, for 10:30.
They were due to arrive at 09:00
Here, nice and early, for 10:30.
“Sorry I’m late, but I had a few beers yesterday.”
He has a rip in his shorts where I can directly see his bumcheek....
Hoooo... well... it’s been a day. I’ll update tomorrow as there’s been a few “incidents” that I’m still trying to get my head around
Lol someone just reminded me of “that time” I went to visit a horse museum before a BAFTA Masterclass - but I was the only visitor, the museum was closed and the farmer had me clean stables instead and drove me into the fields in jeep with smashed windows...
In short - my stranger danger is “not great”
That’s also a story for another time...
That’s also a story for another time...
Ok... now, this is where things are going to take a turn. Prepare yourselves.
So, it’s 10:30 on a Sunday. The church down the road has just opened for its first service since lockdown and there’s men on the roof of my house.
Hurrah!
I look outside and this is the vehicle they’ve arrived in.
Spoiler Alert: DO NOT search for this in google...
Hurrah!
I look outside and this is the vehicle they’ve arrived in.
Spoiler Alert: DO NOT search for this in google...
Those of you who know me, know that I am a delicate little flower. I didn’t know what “Fake Taxi” was.
Reader, I googled it.
Reader, I googled it.
For all other innocents:
It is, and I shit you not, a mobile porn vehicle
It is, and I shit you not, a mobile porn vehicle
At this point, I take a picture and drop it into my team slack channel.
They are understandably elated - although it brings with it a lot of new questions and concerns I didn’t think I’d be having on a Sunday morning...
They are understandably elated - although it brings with it a lot of new questions and concerns I didn’t think I’d be having on a Sunday morning...
For a start I have one hour before church service ends and all the parishioners will leave to walk past my house, where there is now a mobile porn unit parked on my drive.
I live in a small, very British village, so it’s an understatement when I say “people will ask”
I live in a small, very British village, so it’s an understatement when I say “people will ask”
What if this is just an awful porn skit and I somehow asked for a roofer and they thought it was code “for a roofer” and then got here and now have to actually fix my roof?
What if they’re now having to charade as roofers and sitting on the roof being all
What if they’re now having to charade as roofers and sitting on the roof being all
What if... what if... they are filming in there -right now- and my house is the backdrop?
Ok. Mel, stop. Stop. Thinking.
My friends are... unhelpful... but show a huge concern for the welfare of the porn industry...
I do the obvious thing and contact my parents on what to do next.
My Dad drops this amazing piece of advice into the family whatsapp.
Cool. Cool...
My Dad drops this amazing piece of advice into the family whatsapp.
Cool. Cool...
It’s important to state at this point that they are actually very lovely (if a little too honest)
And, whilst the porn van was an unexpected twist to my Sunday morning, it doesn’t automatically make them “bad people”.
That said, im not sure I want it parked on my driveway...
And, whilst the porn van was an unexpected twist to my Sunday morning, it doesn’t automatically make them “bad people”.
That said, im not sure I want it parked on my driveway...
They are, as it turns out, also decent roofers.
I sit in my living room listening to them banging away above me...
I sit in my living room listening to them banging away above me...
