Read on Twitter
So I was listening to @ConceptualJames interview with Rogan today, and they were talking about someone engaging in "Flapping" so people would recognize their autistic identity. I never heard that term before, so I looked it up.
I flap. A lot. OK, maybe not a lot...but I do on a regular basis. Usually as a reaction to stimulus. Usually a reaction to culture war bullshit, to be honest. And going through the physical symptoms, I do a lot of those things. But I don& #39;t have the intellectual symptoms.
At least not on the face. But maybe I do? Maybe how some people treat physical goods, is how I treat intellectual goods, a demand that they& #39;re all sorted and organized. Truth is, I don& #39;t have the energy for physical sorting or whatever. Mostly because all my energy is my thoughts
I& #39;m 41...what& #39;s the point of getting it checked out? I& #39;m on anti-depressants to try and stop the flapping in the first place, what I thought were essentially mini-panic attacks. Or maybe it& #39;s both, the mini-panic attacks were brought on whatever autism I actually have or whatever
I& #39;m not blaming my parents for missing this, fwiw. I& #39;m very good at hiding my symptoms, at restraining them around other people. In private? Not at all. Did this even exist as a kid? I mean, I think the emotional stuff was there. I was really underdeveloped even up to my 30& #39;s.
Maybe I still am. I probably still am. I& #39;m in an open relationship at that, my wife actually thinks it& #39;ll be good for me to do some of the things I never did growing up. (Dating, romance, etc.) (I don& #39;t like talking about that because it feels creepy)
Which is probably one of the things I have to get past. Truth is, I& #39;m used to setting myself on fire to keep other people warm. What really triggers these "autism attacks" (for lack of a better word) is feeling like I& #39;m expected to set myself aflame.
And I just don& #39;t have much left for myself at this point. Not much more to sacrifice. I& #39;m the type to hold on to every inch I have, because life feels very precarious to me. But I want more. Not a lot. But just some of what other people have. Not to take it from them. Share.
Maybe someday I& #39;ll come to grips and figure out what the fuck has been up with me. Why guilt and shame have wracked me from such a young age and has crippled me. Like I said, I suspect part of it is those autistic tendencies.
