Thread by @juanaewrites, I will probably regret this late-night musing about Mr. Yoga, but I'm [...]

I will probably regret this late-night musing about Mr. Yoga, but I& #39;m thinking about it, so here goes.

There are a lot of things about this experience that I don& #39;t understand. Why he& #39;d ask me what I wanted in a house is a question that comes up often.

When I went to see him, he talked to me about a girl in his drum class he liked. So I figured I wasn& #39;t someone he took seriously. He told me he wasn& #39;t interested in having a more serious relationship pretty quickly, after I told him I did, though it& #39;d be long-distance.

So, naturally, we were like friends with benefits, I guess. In the sense that we still long-distance flirted with each other.

I was sleeping with a lot of other people, one-night stands and flings here and there, occasional dates with men who expressed their interest.

And he frequently asked my advice about girls he liked. "What should I do about this girl? I already put the moves on her friend," he told me once. I told him that it was his decision to make, I couldn& #39;t tell him what to do.

It actually hurt me to hear about this because I liked him and was heartbroken that he didn& #39;t like me. But I& #39;ve always been of the mind that if someone isn& #39;t interested, there& #39;s nothing you can do to change their mind, so I didn& #39;t press or get mad.

I just tried to be his friend and support him. Part of that was to take my hurt feelings out of the equation and just try to give sensible advice.

"That& #39;s up to you," I told him. It& #39;s really not my decision, not my call, because it doesn& #39;t affect me.

Meanwhile, he was still texting and calling regularly, so we were keeping in close contact. We were talking all the time and I talked to him about as much as I talked to my best friend.

It was hurtful & confusing that he would tell me "I& #39;m not interested" & also ask me what I wanted in a house. It was confusing that he would tell me "You don& #39;t have to settle" & bring up my moving to L.A. when there was nothing to suggest he wanted a serious relationship

I wanted to go. I really wanted to go. I had such a good time with him and felt so comfortable with him and liked being so close to the beach when I was there. But I didn& #39;t see a way that I could go and live somewhere on my own. I assumed I& #39;d be living on my own if I went.

I also assumed that our relationship would stay the same. We& #39;d be living apart, occasionally seeing each other at events or whatever because we ran in the same circles, but we wouldn& #39;t be a couple. He made that clear with the words he told me.

Before I left, he gave me a little tour of the city and I had this distinct "all this could be yours if you stay" feeling. I really wanted him to stop telling me these things, stop showing me things I knew I wanted because I knew I couldn& #39;t have them. Not with the money I made.

And of course, he already told me shortly after I left that he wouldn& #39;t give them to me because he told me "I& #39;m not interested."

Very clear boundary. "I like you as a fuck buddy, a nice fling, a good distraction, but not as anything more than that."

So telling me that I could move to L.A. muddied the boundary for me. It hurt that he clearly, directly, rejected me as a partner and yet, his communication had a sexual undertone.

It made me feel valued more for being cute and sexy than anything else.

It was the same thing that happened to me with every other man I slept with and it was always just so tiresome because I wanted so much to be wanted as a partner. I wanted to be wanted as a whole person and a full partner. I guess I& #39;m telling you I wanted commitment I never got.

It actually hurt a lot. Part of me wanted to keep him around bc I liked him a lot but part of me wanted him to stop flirting with me, stop making jokes, stop talking to me about music & dance, stop telling me about all the cool things he was doing...

because it just hurt to want something I would never have. It hurt that he kept bringing up that I could move and "What do you want in a house?" when I knew he was just fucking around and not offering me this theoretical house he wanted to know about.

Why do you care what I want in a house? It& #39;s not like you& #39;re gonna give it to me.

Why do you care if I move to L.A.? It& #39;s not like I& #39;m going for you.

Why do you care if I "settle" for someone who knows he doesn& #39;t want babies when I do? It& #39;s not like I& #39;m having babies with you.

Why would you care about any of my relationship choices? We& #39;re nothing more than a casual fling, a non-relationship, not seriously involved, both seeing other people. So what does it matter to you?

Why do you care? These aren& #39;t choices that involve you. You told me not to involve you. You did that. Not me.

I wanted you to be involved but you didn& #39;t want that so I did what I could to move on. I did what I could to soothe my broken heart & take care of my hurt feelings & leave you out of the equation because you told me with your words that you didn& #39;t see me as more than a nice fuck.

And then I still heard that you asked our mutuals about me. How was I doing?

I was hurt, thanks for asking. But trying to deal with my feelings appropriately and in a healthy way. As healthy as I could manage at the time.

"He told you he doesn& #39;t want you, move on" seemed like a pretty sensible approach to me.

I didn& #39;t mean that much to you and I was sad about that but I also knew that I couldn& #39;t make something else be true if it wasn& #39;t.

So, I lost my train of thought because I started crying a few tweets ago. I& #39;m tired, it& #39;s late, I don& #39;t know what my point is, but I& #39;ll call this thread over.

Latest Threads Unrolled: