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if the bar is that low, I know you fuckers talk about me that way too. it’s okay, I would too, and I do, but like come on seriously I’m not fucking stupid. how far does the chain of guilt by association go? at least to me, for sure. who cares. burn those bridges, baby. woo!
the worst part is that this could genuinely be referring to any one of three or four different situations, all of which I’ve fucked up so badly that any forgiveness I’d be able to earn would only ever serve to slightly mitigate the stain on my reputation
pick sides, get dunked on
you know, I used to just think I was being paranoid, and back then I was probably right. but who knows, really. not like I never deserved it. sometimes I wish I could just reset my life again but that just tells you more about my character than anything else. fucking coward
and then I come on here and rant to all of you like it does anything except make things more awkward and engender unearned sympathy. I guess it helps to say something but it’s really not worth it.
I’ll never deactivate though because if I couldn’t do it when I made the blade runner tweet, back during the first time this cycle that my own self-absorbed shit fits hurt someone I cared about, I never will. I’ll just wake up in the morning and regret being so passive aggressive
years ago, someone whose life I made much, much worse told me, in a lot more words, that they hated themselves because their presence alone was enough to end up hurting the people they cared about. that they would always eventually let them down.
I didn’t understand it then, but even still it seemed so obviously, totally wrong. wrong to the point of absurdity. that perspective has been invaluable, especially recently. maybe this time, someone needs to learn it from me.
still doesn’t mean I don’t believe that about myself, just that I know what I sound like. and that despite my constant fuck-ups, for a few ridiculously stupid people who I love very much, it’d be worse if I up and vanished than to put up with me until I come to my senses.
which, by the way, goes both ways. crazy how a little late-night self-hatred will help you find the right words. rest assured there is a zen somewhere in there that balances the first and last tweets of this thread. it’s not a good place to be, but it’s not exactly awful, either.
