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If anyone& #39;s seen the "Black Museum" episode of Black Mirror, that& #39;s exactly what it& #39;s like to be a survivor of CSEM.
My abuse is immortalized in a tiny scene trapped in a device that allows it to be replayed over & over, and I experience the same pain & trauma each time.
My abuse is immortalized in a tiny scene trapped in a device that allows it to be replayed over & over, and I experience the same pain & trauma each time.
It makes it impossible for me to heal. I never feel safe. I can never move on. How do I form an identity when I& #39;ll forever be seen as the 5-year-old with long blond hair, screaming while I& #39;m violently raped? Or the toddler tied to the table. Or the squirming infant on the bed.
I& #39;m now 19 with short brown hair. I start college in the fall. I love to draw, & my favorite author is Ray Bradbury. I love watching Youtube video essays. I read shitty Marvel fanfics in my free time. My friends are the most important people in my life & I& #39;d do anything for them.
But when I see those videos....I feel like I& #39;m that little kid again. I feel like it& #39;s happening all over again.
That& #39;s what the people who watch my videos will see me as, even in 50 years. Even after I& #39;m dead, my abuse will live on & continue, immortalized in those pictures.
That& #39;s what the people who watch my videos will see me as, even in 50 years. Even after I& #39;m dead, my abuse will live on & continue, immortalized in those pictures.
I now have friends online who& #39;ve only seen me through these videos. They wouldn& #39;t recognize me today, but they could recognize me from my porn.
How the hell am I supposed to move on when my entire life revolves around abuse that occurred years ago?
How the hell am I supposed to move on when my entire life revolves around abuse that occurred years ago?
CSEM isn& #39;t like normal trauma. It& #39;s not just & #39;sexual abuse with a camera involved& #39;.
It& #39;s its own type of never-ending torture. It means my abuse will never stop, even though no one& #39;s touched me in years. It means I can never move on from what happened to me.
It& #39;s its own type of never-ending torture. It means my abuse will never stop, even though no one& #39;s touched me in years. It means I can never move on from what happened to me.
