Read on Twitter
scrolling through twitter in the hopes that some smut will leave a nice, comfortable image in my mind to fall asleep with as my body completely fucking unlearns how to sleep for more than 2 hours at a god damn time without filling my head with so much dread my heart explodes
im in HELL
its just so fuckin funny that in my crippling fear of not doing enough with my time and not getting enough done and not talking to enough people, i put so much pressure on myself to do those things that i completely collapse under the fucking stress of even considering it
im fucking lying here after a frankly fantastic fucking day wherein i got a lot done and all i can think about is things that i Didn& #39;t Do. even if it& #39;s ancient shit i have to dredge up that doesn& #39;t even matter that much, even if it& #39;s shit i can simply do tomorrow,
i am INCAPABLE of giving myself a fucking break and not beating myself up over every vague "lost opportunity"
i ghost people for months and years because i feel that nothing i have to say is valuable enough to make up for how long ive been silent
i pressure myself so much to fix this that it becomes a daunting fucking chore to say hello
i pressure myself so much to fix this that it becomes a daunting fucking chore to say hello
every drawing i make is like a hammer to the gut because i SHOULD have been drawing THIS OTHER THING which is of MUCH more value to THIS PERSON, never fucking mind if it& #39;s a doodle to warm up or something i try to do for myself to get out of this mindset in the first place
im over here panicking about not doing enough with my life and running out of time to pursue my projects and the things i want to do with my loved ones While Also being SO AFRAID of the concept of mortality that doing ANYTHING in this impermanent world feels pointless & worthless
i cant spend time with anyone without berating myself because im neglecting everyone that isn& #39;t that person. i cant do things i enjoy because i should be productive. i cant be productive because im in a constant state of burnout.
I WISH I KNEW HOW TO JUST CLOSE MY EYES AND GO THE FUCK TO SLEEP
and im sorry for venting on my horny twitter but im just at wits fukcing end and im so god damn tired of being tired aaaaAAAGH
cant fucking bring myself to look at my inbox not because every notification i get feels like im getting yelled at but because i know if i engage with people i will inevitably hit that point of low energy, depression, or executive dysfunction where i will disappoint them
and stop being responsive and stop having good things to say and etc etc etc
even though all anyone fycking asks of me is to be myself and respond in the moment
i dont get why EVERYTHING has to be some kind of biblical commitment in my head
even though all anyone fycking asks of me is to be myself and respond in the moment
i dont get why EVERYTHING has to be some kind of biblical commitment in my head
every fucking remaining problem in my life comes from the stress, pressure and punishment i simply cannot fucking find the strength to not put on myself 24-god-damn-7
i think of getting better and i just end up thinking about how much i could& #39;ve done and become if i& #39;d not gotten fucking stuck like this for 27 years and it just makes everything feel like it& #39;s Too Late and it just brings me right back down
any time i manage to look past the past and see the fucking good i have now, that shitty dreadful feeling is ALWAYS there, bubbling in the background, and battering at me, until it breaks through, and drags me right back down
