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not to be dramatic tapi serius, ini ngga banget wkwk
i& #39;ve been controlled by my parents as long as i can remember. mulai dari segala hal; pendidikan, siklus tidur, berpakaian, how to do everything based on apa yang mereka selama ini lakuin dan yanh mereka selama ini ((anggap)) paling bener
they always said that they just want what& #39;s the best for me dan aku ngga nyalahin because it might be right. mereka peduli, mereka ngga mungkin juga nelantarin gitu aja, they always made sure that i understand that and honestly? aku paham, but at the same time i don& #39;t
ini lucu karena i can& #39;t even make my own decisions. dari berbagai hal, they always think that i& #39;m not good enough or mature enough to understand shit, let alone choose what i want and what& #39;s the best for myself. ini lucu, sekali lagi, karena mereka ngga tau
dan mungkin aku juga. selama ini aku selalu mikir mungkin aku salah, mungkin emang aku ngga dewasa dan mereka cuma pengen anaknya tumbuh "bener", ngga salah jalan. aku nyoba ngerti, always put their choices above everything else that has been in my mind for god knows how long
mereka sayang sama aku, lol they always do. aku sayang juga kok. but that doesn& #39;t mean i& #39;m okay with them controlling me in every single thing i do
ini miris. ngga ada yang tau how i feel about all of this. aku ngga berani bilang langsung, ngga sanggup karena, sekali lagi, i& #39;m insecure af kalo disuruh nyuarain argumen. apalagi di depan ortu yang konvensionalnya minta ampun
entah kenapa, entah mereka sadar apa engga, aku selalu ngerasa tanggapanku dianggap angin lalu. serasa cuitan anak kecil, yang mungkin masih kebawa moodswing dan masih bau kencur that they don& #39;t bother to look at
hahaha rasanya pengen bilang, "yah, ma, aku bukan anak kecil lagi and i have my rights to do things i wanna do for the rest of my life." karena atleast aku bakal kerja dalam jangka waktu yang mungkin selamanya, dan itu merupakan pilihanku sendiri; the job i& #39;d surely love to do
tapi engga. engga gitu caranya. engga gitu alurnya. aku nyoba paham sejak jauh-jauh hari kalo my thoughts never matter to them, even a slight bit of it. mungkin sempet beberapa kali, but that& #39;s it.
jadi, i learned to keep all of my thoughts inside my head. ngga pernah bicarain terang-terangan, kadang if it gets too much, bakal kutulis di kertas paling belakang buku random yang ngga sadar aku ambil, dan nulis sampe tanganku gemeter and it& #39;s so hard to even breath
yang paling parah soal mimpi, cita-cita, basically all about future. ini topik yang mungkin setengah aku benci, setengah aku tertarik. karena sekali lagi, they forced their choices at me, and it& #39;s like i have high responsibility of it;
kamu harus berhasil.
kamu harus berhasil.
i used to be a kid who dreams a lot. mulai dari hal paling ngga mungkin sampe yang bener-bener masuk akal. guru, model (LOL), penyanyi (LOLOL), pramugari (AHAHA), polwan (DUDE R U SERIOUS), manager (??), pegawai bank, dokter, dokter hewan, dokter gigi, and basically everything
tapi setelah, mungkin around junior high school, aku langsung punya pencerahan tentang apa yang aku mau di masa depan:
artist.
artist.
aku suka gambar, i enjoy it a lot. i& #39;d love to put all of my efforts into it, bahkan sampe ngga kenal waktu dan punggung sakit dan tangan penuh cat dan minyak. asal aku suka, asal aku cinta, semuanya jadi mungkin buat aku lakuin
but sadly, itu adalah mimpi yang ngga bakal orangtuaku terima.
jadi aku langsung back down dan ngga kepikiran buat ngomongin tentang itu lagi. karena yang ditanamkan di kepala cuma dokterdokterdokterdokter
aku tau dkv di kelas 3 sma, dan karena itu itb i suddenly have a hope that they would be, atleast, considered it as a decent major for me.
tapi mereka cuma ngerutin dahi sambil bilang, "nggak. mau jadi apa kamu nanti?"
tapi mereka cuma ngerutin dahi sambil bilang, "nggak. mau jadi apa kamu nanti?"
honestly? i can be everything if i put effort into it
tapi aku cuma diem, ketawa, karena mungkin memang iya. aku mau jadi apa? aku juga ngga tau, ngga ada yang bener-bener tau setiap orang bakal jadi apa kedepannya, bakal sesukses apa dia nanti di masa depan
pikiranku yang mungkin setengah halu setengah harap setengah putus asa tentang aku yang bakal kerja di tempat-tempat kayak disney, google, or something like that, ludes sudah. before i even tried. before i even THINK to try.
dan sekali lagi, i try to convince myself: mereka cuma mau yang terbaik buat kamu.
i tried so hard to understand. i really do.
i tried so hard to understand. i really do.
dan akhirnya i went back to square one. balik lagi. dokterdokterdokter; it& #39;s like a prayer, diucapin berulang-ulang seolah aku ngga tau lagi kata-kata selain itu. but i kept that in mind: dokter. dokter. dokter.
somehow, it finally becomes my dream.
aku udah buang jauh-jauh tentang segala hal yang berbau seni, desain-desain, about my hobbies and how i wanted to do things i always love, including writing—but i& #39;m not good enough to dedicate my whole life in writing jadi ngga sebegitu kepingin juga
aku jadi inget waktu kelas sepuluh pernah disuruh buat dialog, and as a sad and heartbroken i am, langsung kepikiran buat bicarain tentang my parents and dreams and everything in between
oh i mean monologue. we presented it in front of the teacher. aku inget nulis tentang how my dreams resembled as my wing, and how my parents cutted it off and i just stand there doing nothing but complied. yeah lol, do you know how i felt back then? pathetic.
i can laugh at it for some point right now. mungkin because it doesn& #39;t hurt so much like it does back then, atau karena i already am used to the familiar pain anyway and i feel nothing but numbness at this moment
aku bersyukur karena i changed the whole monologue script in the last minute, karena monolog sebelumnya terlalu menggelikan dan menyedihkan dan aku ngga mau sound stupid in front of others
and it doesn& #39;t even matter anymore right now. i barely remembered it anyway
and do you know what& #39;s the funniest part is?
orangtuaku tiba-tiba bilang, for once in their lifetime, "dek, utbk nanti kamu mau masuk mana?"
orangtuaku tiba-tiba bilang, for once in their lifetime, "dek, utbk nanti kamu mau masuk mana?"
they consider my opinion like gosh?? you actually think that i can choose now finally???
it& #39;s funny, because i used to have so many dreams inside my head before. but i went blank when they asked me to really choose what i wanted, for once
it& #39;s funny because i already learned to throw my dreams away back then, and somehow, i succeed
it& #39;s funny because i already learned to throw my dreams away back then, and somehow, i succeed
dan kalo udah gini, kalo aku uda ngga bisa jawab dan mereka cuma ngehela napas dan aku, sekali lagi, cuma diem tanpa bilang apa-apa, mereka bilang, "kamu itu kok ngga pernah mikirin masa depan?"
it wasn& #39;t the exact word they said tapi kira-kira kayak gitu. kira-kira sesakit itu. and i barely remember and i don& #39;t wanna bother myself by meddling with pain anymore
jadi intinya? it& #39;s hilarious. lucu banget. this thread is like a whole joke and maybe my life is too.
but really, though. i don& #39;t understand myself sometimes. they might be right when they always ask what im gonna do with my life, what i wanna be in the future
but really, though. i don& #39;t understand myself sometimes. they might be right when they always ask what im gonna do with my life, what i wanna be in the future
because somehow, i can& #39;t be anything but disappointment.
