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As I was about to leave my last church, I decided to tell my pastor my concerns. I told him I felt burdened to fight for the safety of queer people, and to ensure their dignity in churches. He told me "you sound like you're on the warpath, i'm worried about you." I was ashamed.
I have never thought of myself as an angry person... I felt very confident I had been clear and controlled. The man scared me, and it showed in how I engaged him. But his accusation rattled me.
I had tried to be clear. I shared statistics about suicide rates. Cited conversations we'd had that had hurt me. Expressed my own heartbreak, my own struggles with suicidal thoughts. "This isn't the gospel." I said.
He looked me in the eye and said "i dont think the church is unsafe for gay people". After I told him our church had contributed to my shame and self-hatred. After I told him it was harming other queer kids. He had decided it was fine, and I was "on the warpath."
Moreover, he was worried about me... But not because of the unsafety I had experienced, or my struggles with depression and suicidal ideation. He didn't mention those things, they weren't important. He was worried about the sin I was "playing around with."
Not sure what sin he meant, since I had spent 2 years prayerfully considering celibacy, fasting, going on retreats and reading scripture and hungrily seeking the Lord to let Him define me more fully than ever before. But he was worried about my "sin."
I left that conversation feeling ashamed, dejected, and confused. "Am I just angry? Am I just hurt? Am I just sensitive?" The gaslighting was strong, I see that now. I was letting myself be measured by a man with values I fully rejected. It was a mistake.
I sometimes worry I come across harsh, or even angry. But I want to be clear. I'm not on the warpath, I'm on the ramparts. I'm not seeking destruction, I'm standing in unbudging defense.
I insist on holding this line.
I insist on holding this line.
I'm not seeking to pick fights, I'm establishing a minimum level of dignity. I won't get into arguments with every homophobic person I meet - but I will insist on my dignity and the dignity of queer folks around me.
I'm not going to war, I'm defending queer kids from a war that has been waged on us. A war that has cost real lives while straight folks use words like "inappropriate". While pastors are more concerned about policing language than the sanctity of life.
I spent years cowering to a homophobic church culture that taught me my life was only valuable if it molded to heteronormative standards (that frankly don't even reflect scripture). But I'm done, and I won't let it happen to the queer kids in my care.
Christ loves His church, and I'll fight for her every day of my life. But I will fight to make her safe, and holy, and loving and glorious. I will not fight to keep her in oppression.
A detail I meant to include - in that same conversation where he insisted church wasn't unsafe, that pastor told me I should not come out to people because "you work in youth ministry, and people won't trust you with their kids." Pastors, this is is what endangers our lives.
