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Every type of character you meet in your local rugby club
THREAD
THREAD
ENFORCER: A leader of men. Plays hard, pints harder. Always available for away games just for the bus lash and stops at nothing to preserve the honour of the rules. Unemployed after making his boss' PA chop a boiling tea, him and Social Sec are the Maverick and Goose of the club
SOCIAL SEC: Loose & in the prime of his life. Rugby is secondary, the good times are all that matter. Organising pints is his speciality & he despises anyone who doesn't share his love of the lash. Often has to apologise for Shithouse, but always gets the lads out of trouble
SHITHOUSE: You smell him before you see him, Shithouse is the worst bloke at the club. Never shuts up about that double miss pass he threw in 2013. Don't bring your GF up the club as he won't leave her alone. If left with him on a night out, you will be refused entry everywhere
NAUSE: This lad hates pints. Find him after the game swigging his recovery protein shake, analysing his and your performance, god forbid you missed a tackle. Drives to away games to avoid the bus carnage. No one knows what he does or where he lives and the thing is, no one cares
NO WALLET: Biggest mystery at the club. First out the showers and goes hammer and tongs on the free jugs. Purposely gets dick of the day for a free pint. Involved in every single round that the lads get in, but when itâs his round, youâll have better luck finding Nauseâs banter
CHUNDERER: The unsung hero. Not the best player or pinter, but leaves nothing out on the pitch, in the bar, or in his stomach. Often found by the bins, revisiting the post game chilli con carne. Loved by Enforcer as the man will stop at nothing in the pursuit of termination
3rd TEAM CAPTAIN: A seasoned pro, this man paved the way for lash, a true trailblazer. Family duty now prevents him from going turbo every Saturday. When you can get him out, 3rd team captain can chop a Guinness in 2.7 secs and will go harder than you ever thought was possible
SERIAL BUFFALOER: The bloke doesn't get it. âWhy can't I drink right handed?â he protests as Enforcer catches him in the act. âThis isn't how we played at uniâ he carries on before Social Sec hands him a bottle of Chardonnay. Thankfully enjoys a chop but the man never learns
BIN JUICE: Did somebody order a boozy legend? Says he could've gone pro but chose the social route. Now saves his attendance for being a hungover sub & leading the vanguard of the lash. Try ratio impressive, 10 pint shuffle time even more so. One day will become 3rd team captain
PACKETO: This man has the wettest eyes at the club as he will NOT blink. Clearly has an extremely small bladder as spends his whole night in the toilet, and is often seen with a bloody nose. Packeto is a man who brings ÂŁ120 cash on a night out, but never gets involved in round
CHEATER: Absolute flanker, this handsome devil just can't stop chopping pints and chopping birds. The refs worst nightmare, this man keeps putting his hands in the ruck, on and off the pitch. No interest in the lads on a night, and can be a terrible influence on 3rd team captain
ACADEMY LAD: Yes you played for Quins academy in 2012, yes James Chisholm was your best mate, yes Iâm sure you were better then Maro Itoje when you played them and it wasn't fair you weren't picked for Eng u18s. But that stash is 8 years old & doesn't fit you anymore, let it go
CHAIRMAN DADDY: True pintman and great bloke. Polarises opinion as he's played 138 1XV matches in a row without training. Dad is heavily invested in the club meaning he's undroppable and hasn't bought a drink since 2003. Nause has genuine love for this man. It's not reciprocated
PAUL SACKEY: opposite of Serial Buffaloer. Thinks he knows the rules but gets it wrong with misplaced confidence. False accy will be called on him 5 times in one night, but this young buck loves it. Often false accys on purpose just so he can keep chopping, a legend of the realm
CONFUSED NATIONALITY: Loves Six Nations, hates England. Supports many teams but never England claiming his great uncleâs third cousin is Welsh and therefore he should support them. That being said, he is passionate about rugby and chopping Guinness, so many redeeming features
WHATSAPP'S WORST NIGHTMARE: Surprising this man isnât on some sort of register with the sort of content he shares. Lifetime ambition of making Nause leave the group and with videos titled Two XVâs One Cup it surely won't be long. A brave man on the phone, but a ghost in real life
ONE MORE YEAR: On rugby tour 2018 this man at 33yrs old cried into the arms of Social Sec as he told the boys he's hanging up his boots. 2 years and copious amounts of pints later he's only gone and claimed heâs going to have one more year as âI canât finish on this season can I"
REF: Unfortunately Ref is rarely seen post game after sin binning Cheater. It's safe to say that he knows the on pitch rules, but has no idea about the rules off the pitch. Absolutely hates enforcer, after being buffaloed mid match, thankfully it's not a yellow card offence
